Your Time Matters Too Dang it!
Struggling to say "no" or express your needs? Start here and stay tuned for the next steps.
Just say "no" didn't work for substance use in the 80s. I'm not sure why we think it works for teaching people to set boundaries. If it were easy to "just say no," there wouldn't be thousands of books about learning to set boundaries.
The ability to communicate a boundary or even decide if a boundary is needed is much more complicated than just "saying no."
Today, we will begin by establishing boundaries around your capacity to take on additional duties, even if they are fun.
You are overwhelmed for a reason, you overachiever!
Jamie VanderLinden
Emotional Awareness
It starts with that icky feeling we get when someone asks us to do something that we know we don't have the emotional or physical wherewithal to take on.
Internally, we begin to assess the situation.
The first question we ask ourselves is, "Do I have to do this?" "Is there any other option?" or if you're like me, "Please God, let there be an easy way out of this!"
Let's look at a couple of scenarios.
If your supervisor gives you a task, compared to your friend who has no kids or husband, inviting you to dinner at 8 PM (way past your bedtime).
With your supervisor, there is likely no choice (or is there?), but with your friend...it may feel like there is no choice, and maybe you even have mixed emotions (I want to go, but I'm frickin tired).
We're going to break this down to a point that's painful, but bear with me.
Scenario 1:
It's your supervisor.
Your livelihood.
You like food and shelter.
You must comply.
A: And you have the capacity to complete the task.
Practice discipline and get it done!
B: If you do not have the capacity, communicate your needs to your supervisor.
"Yes, absolutely. I'm also working on ______, which needs to be completed by ______. I want to improve my time management skills and meet job expectations. Will you give me suggestions for prioritizing these tasks?"
There are many ways this could play out. Keep in mind that although we are pretending to have a work situation, it could be any number of other unavoidable responsibilities.
1. Reasonable: If your request is reasonable for the organization and aligns with your job description, and you have a supervisor willing to teach and mentor you, that presents an excellent opportunity to grow and become an even more desirable employee.
In this case, you would also need to have the ability and desire to complete the tasks assigned in this position at the pace and culture of the organization. It's ok to be picky about your job. If it doesn't align with your professional values, move on. Don't make yourself and your coworkers miserable!
After you follow your reasonable supervisor's reasonable advice, follow up and seek feedback. Be receptive. We all start somewhere.
2. Unreasonable: This could be because you lack the necessary skills required by the organization. That's ok too! We are all unique and need to find our space.
Again, it's ok to be particular about your career. You also may have a supervisor who doesn't listen or care about your reasonable request. If you are working at your highest level of professionalism, and it's not going well, it's time to reassess. Don't make yourself miserable!
Scenario 2:
You could say no in this situation...But you need grown-up time, and you're so tired, and the kids have been whiny, and your partner is whiny too.
A: What if you want to say no?BUT YOU WANT TO GET OUT OF THE HOUSE.
Weigh the costs and benefits.
A: What if you want to say no?
You might feel guilty, obligated, or like your friend will be angry with you if you don't go to dinner with her (or whatever your actual scenario is).
In this situation, we start by asking ourselves, Is this a Feeling? Or a Fact?
If this is a feeling, is this emotion telling you something? Or is it irrational?
If this is a fact, is this behavior aligned with your relationship and leisure values? Is this friend respecting your needs and boundaries?
B: You could say no, but you want to go...
See the Bullseye Activity for Leisure. Assess the costs and benefits of attending. What aligns with who you are? (Or who do you want to be?)
Jamie VanderLinden
Find the Values Activities Here.
C: You're not sure what you want. You have mixed emotions.
a: Mixed emotions are normal! What do you feel in your body? Is this a feeling or a fact? Use your Bullseye Values Activity to assess what matters to you and the behavior that will keep you in alignment with what matters to you!
Not everyone will need this detailed breakdown to decide whether or not to say "no." My partner certainly doesn't, but for some of us overthinkers, if we don't assess each option, we will ruminate on these decisions for days, say "yes," then make up an excuse to bow out.
Practice!
If this is you, give this practice a try using the worksheets provided on the Resources page.
Setting boundaries about commitments and our time is survival. Believe it or not, you can't do everything, and your time has worth.
What are your barriers to setting boundaries on your time?
Stay tuned for more topics about boundaries. This is only the beginning.