Back in the day, before cell phones and my ability to set boundaries, I had a small mishap with a potential date. It was my freshman year of college; 18 years old and 100% on my own for the first time.
Literally the first week of college. In fact, my tennis shoes still smelled like pig poop from showing in my last county fair. (I didn’t notice they smelled like hog poo until I moved to the city and wondered why the city smelled like my 4-H project...oops!)
Anyway, after our freshman orientation event, I was asked on my first date in the city. It was a shock, and although I was not interested in going on this date, I had no idea how to say ‘no.’
Boundaries were not a thing in my family. You did what you were expected to do, and if you didn’t, there was guilt and pressure until you caved in. So most often, I simply said ‘yes’ and did as I was expected. These are not the best skills to learn in childhood, but most of us learn them.
The night he was set to pick me up from our small dorm, where we both lived. That’s right, it was one of those dorms that is a building where the boys live on the second floor and girls on the first, then the third was co-ed. Shared bathrooms in each hall, and bunk beds in your room...I hid under my bed when I heard him knock.
Yes, you read that correctly. I hid under the bed of my studio bedroom, in the building where we both lived, hoping that he would believe I forgot our date and just leave.
He didn’t.
Instead, he slid a note under my door that said,
“I know you’re in there.”
I persisted in my avoidance, and he eventually gave up. I never looked at or spoke to him again. Even though at that time, I attended a small, private college, lived in the same building as him, and had classes with him.
I still remember his name, and still feel a little bad.
Sorry kid!
It wasn’t you, it was me.
What I Wish I Knew Then:
Boundaries aren’t rude.
In fact, clear is kind! Even when saying ‘no’ is hard...
I thought “no” was mean and disrespectful, or required a 12-paragraph justification. It doesn’t, and hiding isn’t a substitute for communication.
(Though it does create blog material later in life.)
Was It Just Me?
Have you ever done something wildly avoidant because you didn’t know how to say “no”?
So yes, everything is behavioral health...even hiding under your bed from a date.