Good Enough is Good Enough: The Attachment Secret No One Talks About
Need some reassurance and tips for getting in your quality time with kids after a long day?
We've all struggled with the guilt of going back to work after baby...or even going to work at all.
I struggled through a part-time, minimum wage position as a single parent for months because I was convinced that I was a "bad parent" if I had to work and leave my baby at daycare. In the end, I couldn't afford to keep up that pace and returned to full-time employment, juggling my daughter between friends to avoid daycare expenses so that I could afford to have a job....but that's another story.
Today, let's talk about how I finally overcame my parenting guilt, kinda.
Attachment Theory
It wasn't until I went back to school for my master's degree that I learned about the attachment theory and the Circle of Security Parenting Curriculum.
Attachment Theory essentially states that infants learn how to interact in relationships and the world by how they attach to their caregivers. When we, as parents, interpret our baby's cries and respond, we are teaching them that we are safe and able to meet their needs.
Children need comfort, security, and consistency, not just food and shelter!
The Circle of Security is an attachment-based curriculum that teaches us to view our role as parents as one of enhancing a secure attachment by interpreting our children's behavior as a means of communicating their needs to us.
Our job is to be a "secure base" for our children when they need us and to allow them to be curious about the world around them.
As parents, we teach our kids to be confident in their ability to explore their world and to know that when they need us, we are there for them.
They need us to be "bigger, stronger, wiser, and kind."
The most beautiful thing I learned in this curriculum was that "good enough" parenting is "being with" our children for a few minutes every day.
I wish I had learned this when I was pregnant instead of when I went back to school to become a therapist! This knowledge needs to be spread far and wide!
As therapists, we assign 5 minutes per day of homework, spending time with your kids. You can do anything for 5 minutes.
It can be playing a game or simply watching your child play while smiling without looking at your phone.
The difficult part is that when you have laundry, dinner, practices, partners/spouses, a career, and kids...we've spent all our emotional energy just surviving the day.
Jamie VanderLinden
Here are some tips for "being with" your kids after an exhausting day.
- Snuggle on the couch and look at Pinterest together. Sometimes we just need to sit and veg out on our phones, but do it with your child and discuss what you see. Kids love being a part of grown-up activities!
- Just sit and watch your child play. Repeat aloud what you see them do. This shows them that they have your full attention and that you are enjoying them just as they are. How often do you hear, "Mom, look at me!" Kids want us to watch them. They are usually satisfied with that.
- Transition from work to home together. Develop a mindful practice of regulating your emotions before you enter your home. Sit in the car together and take four deep breaths. In through your nose and out through your mouth. Count from one to four as you breathe in, and as you exhale, breathe from one to eight. This relaxes your parasympathetic nervous system.
This is great for emotional regulation for you and your child.
Psychological Research
Research shows that it's not about quantity but quality. You don't have to be the perfect Pinterest Parent to raise healthy, securely attached children...you can be the "Pin and Forget it" Parent (I know I am), who prioritizes five minutes at some point during the day with their child and is the "safe base" when your kids need you.