Your Boundaries Are a Fence, Not a Gator Filled Mote
Boundaries are a fence, not a brick wall. You get to choose who comes in and how close they get to you.
Let’s talk in metaphor for a moment.
Imagine your life is a house. It may not be for everyone, but it's yours.
Now imagine that house without a fence.
No gate. No porch. No front door even. Just total access to you. Anyone can walk right, peek in your windows, or plop down on your couch.
Sounds horrifying, right?
That’s life without boundaries.
Good news! You have a fence and a locking door. You get to decide who comes into your home. Maybe they stand outside (the solar panel guy always stands outside, and the home security salesman...there’s been an uptick in my door-to-door salesman recently!) Maybe they wave to your from the road. In any case, you have the power to invite in what you want, and keep boundaries with what you do not want...
1. You get to protect your peace.
It’s not rude to set a bedtime boundary or be picky about how you spend your free time. It’s appropriate to say “no” to the activities that drain you (when it’s possible).
Not everyone deserves access to your energy just because they want it.
Examples of healthy fence-building:
- “I don’t check emails after 6 p.m.”
- “Sundays are family-only time.”
- “I need a full 24-hour heads-up before any plans.”
Your time is yours. Take it back!
Jamie VanderLinden
2. Some People Belong at the Gate, Not on the Couch
Not everyone in your life deserves a key to the front door.
Some people are gate friends. They wave from a distance, and that’s plenty. Others can come up to the porch, chat for a minute. A couple get to sit on the couch and kick their shoes off. Then, there's your inner circle who knows where your snacks are.
Boundaries help you sort that out. They don’t push people away; they clarify who belongs where in your life.
3. Fences Can Have Gates and Doors Have Locks!
Boundaries don’t have to be rigid or cold, and there are times when we have to do things we don't want to do. That's just life, but if it's every day, or every time, that's different.
You can open your gate when it feels right. You can be generous when you need or want to. What matters is who gets in and why. Is it guilt? Obligation? Fear of disappointing someone? Or is it because you want to connect?
Try this:
Instead of a knee-jerk "yes," try:
“Let me think about that and get back to you.”
It buys you time and reminds you that you’re allowed to make decisions on your terms.
4. A Broken Fence Is NOT Helpful.
When we have experienced trauma, abuse, or just plain ole mom guilt, boundaries can become ignored, bulldozed, or never fully built. When your fence is broken, anything can wander in: stress, resentment, emotional clutter, stray dogs...
It’s exhausting, and your kids may try to keep the dog.
5. Fence Maintenance Is Self-Respect
Like any good fence, your boundaries need checkups. Life changes. Seasons shift. What worked when your kids were toddlers probably won't work when they’re teens. What felt manageable last year might be draining you this year.
Listen to what your body and emotions tell you.
Buy a drill and fix that fence!
Or just use what you have. I’ve even been known to use a plastic mesh fence and zip ties. Literally.
Boundaries Aren’t Mean
They’re how you protect the parts of your life that matter most, your kids, your career, your relationships, your leisure, your sanity!
This week, take a look at your metaphorical fence:
- What (or who) has been sneaking in uninvited?
- What part needs a little maintenance?
- Where might you need to add a gate…or a lock?
You don’t need a Gator-filled moat to have boundaries. Just a functioning fence, a clear gate, a door that locks, and the confidence to say:
“This is my space. I’ll let you know when I’m available.”
What part of your fence needs a little work this week?